The strength to go on
by youwantedmedead
Summary: Some time after Hogwarts and the war, Hermione starts writing on her diary: are a baby and a wedding in her near future?
1. December 1999

**A story that has been sitting in my folder for quite a while (after I lost most of the parts due to the laptop crashing ç_ç) and that I hope to finish soon!**

**Even though in the first part there isn't much angst and such, the story has been rated K+ in the hope of being safe for the future chapters.**

**Obligatory disclaimer: I own nothing, this is just a free interpretation of the events after the Second Wizarding World written by J., who created the Harry Potter universe.**

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><p>December 16th, 1999<p>

Dear diary,

I'm so thrilled: I just discovered I'm pregnant!

I haven't had my period for the past couple of months, but thought nothing of it because I've never been exactly regular; this time, though, I felt there was something else going on and decided to go to St Mungo's for a check up. The Healer's beaming face was the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes from my silent prayer that I really was pregnant. I didn't want to know the sex, though, I want it to be a surprise for me as well.

Where does this enthusiasm to become a mother come from? I don't even know, I just know that it feels right and despite my young age I feel ready to have a baby.

This is going to be a great Christmas present, I can't wait to see Ron's and everybody's face when I tell them.

~206 days

H.

December 25/26th, 1999

Dear diary,

Christmas day at the Weasleys has been awesome.

Molly, Arthur and their big family have been fantastic as always, they welcomed my parents like long lost relatives and made them feel at home despite the obvious fascination and disbelief of my parents towards anything magic. Oh, Arthur talked my father's ear off asking to tell him everything of the Muggle world, from computers to airplanes to sports to rubber ducks, even.

Highlight of the day was when I gave my late present at lunch instead of the morning when we all exchanged presents: I almost winced when my mother, Ginny, Molly, Fleur and Angelina squealed after my announcement, while the men cheered and clapped, patting Ron's shoulder proudly. Ron's face was priceless! He was white as paper, even his freckles had faded out a bit, and was looking at me with his caring blue eyes wide as saucers, unable to close his mouth. It took me three attempts to call him back at present, but when he finally recovered he didn't know where to put his hands, already fearing to hurt me or the baby, poor thing. I was the one to hug him tightly and finally kiss him, whispering in his ear, "Merry Christmas, soon-to-be-Dad".

The secret is out, now Ron and I gotta spend the last months of peace we have left, as George and Harry pointed out, and decided to spend New Year's Eve in Paris, as cliché as it may sound.

~196 days

H.


	2. January 2000

**I just divided what I've written so far in chapters and, excluding the first two, I have 7 more to post. In the hope of being able to continue writing in the meanwhile, I stick to my initial idea to post the chapters every two weeks, so they'll be dragged till around December. I still can't assure you that the chapters beyond the 9th will be posted as frequently, though, it all depends on my muse!**

**I'm also working on a real-looking diary that I hope to be able to save in PDF format, I'll give you a download link once the whole fic is over, if you want to give a shot to a more "realistic" reading of this fictional diary (here's a preview of the first page, aka the first chapter: /albums/rr23/_louj_).**

**Unbeta'd, please point out any mistake and concrits are love!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.**

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><p>January 1st, 2000<p>

Dear diary,

the Old Millennium has ended in the best way possible, with me being pregnant, and the New Millennium couldn't start in a better way: Ron proposed me.

I'm currently admiring the ring he gave me yesterday night, midnight sharp, colourful fireworks visible from our hotel room, champagne in an ice-bucket, Ron on his knees and a simple yet beautiful ring held firmly in his shacking hands. Tears of happiness threaten to fall once again just returning with my mind at yesterday's night, the happiness is indescribable!

It's going to be weird to be called Mrs Weasley, haha; also, I can't wait to meet the little bundle that is going to eat half my lunch in an hour.

I'm in love

~190 days

H.

January 13th, 2000

Dear diary,

I just received a postcard from Luna from Sweden, where she and her father are studying some strange creature (do they even exist?), who bid her congratulations for the baby and wished me the best, confirming her presence at the wedding.

May 2nd, here we come! I shouldn't even waste ink to say that the families are already in a frantic wedding-fever, my mother(s) already planning and coercing people in the family to help organizing the ceremony…that is in five months… I really hope Molly won't tyrannize everybody like she did for Bill and Fleur's wedding, hahaha.

After much talking and discussing and taking notes, we opted for a ceremony in the Weasley's backyard, much like for Bill and Fleur, actually, but with red and gold everywhere, obnoxiously showing our belonging to the Gryffindor House. The dress is going to be kind of a problem, though, both because I haven't chosen a style yet and because of my growing belly, but that's when magic steps in: luckily Molly is an expert with sewing spells, among other housewife things she can do wonderfully!

What I'm really not looking forward to is meeting Aunt Muriel again…

~178 days – baby

-110 days – wedding

H.

January 20th, 2000

Dear diary,

lame attempt at cooking as almost-wife #1: my risotto was insipid, but the mushrooms made it rather edible.

I thought what I cooked for me, Harry and Ron during our Horcruxes quest wasn't that good because of the poor ingredients we were able to get while in hiding, but it looks like I am not a good cook at all…

I can already imagine Ron whining about how he misses his mother's cuisine.

~171 days – baby

-103 days – wedding

H.

January 22nd, 2000

Dear diary,

morning sickness be damned, but healing potions be blessed!

Ugh, what do I have to live with to meet the baby…

~169 days – baby

-101 days – wedding

H.

January 29th, 2000

Dear diary,

I love my friends :) Those sneaky arses organized a baby shower behind my back and I got to see my old schoolmates, who all congratulated with me and Ron for the baby and brought presents with them.

I was really happy to see Neville, Dean and Seamus, even Lavender and Parvati, though I admit I wanted to cling to Ron every time Lavender looked at him for too long…Hah, he's mine now! Ron should be thankful I'm never, EVER going to call him Won Won.

There were also some Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, Hagrid, basically almost everyone that will be present at the wedding too.

They brought the most precious things: a plushie Snitch, a mini broomstick, clothes of every cut and style, a carillon with miniature moving dragons (that even emitted fire every now and then – I addressed my best fake smile to Hagrid, but I know I'm going to hide the thing somewhere, it's too dangerous!), a fairy tales book, a generous amount of diapers and baby bottles…

It was a fun time, though I feel like I've been molested from all the girls and women who touched my barely visible belly…maybe I should wear a t-shirt with "Touch my belly and die" printed on it.

Sorry, mood-swings are one of the side effects of pregnancy.

~162 days – baby

-94 days – wedding

H.


	3. February 2000

**Darn,I hate how this site screws the html :( Apparently the link to the preview of the PDF file doesn't want to appear,but I hope that once it's all done it will,at least for the download. Anyway, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have problems uploading new chapters right at the first try, so I apologize to the subscribers who most likely will receive multiple alerts from this story!  
>Also,I had to slightly modify what I wrote because the site doesn't accept crossed out text or whatever.<br>**

**A while ago I tried posting this same fic on Livejournal, even creating a community to post the pages I photoshopped, but as I mentioned in the first chapter's notes my computer crashed, losing both the pretty long part I wrote after the point I'm now stuck at, and also half of the diary pages I spent a long time working on. I wanted to be swallowed by a black hole.**

**Now the typing process is going rather steadily…from the 11th chapter onwards: I'm stuck at half of the 10th, damn it.**

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><p>This is the last time I put the disclaimer, unless I win the lottery and buy the copyrights off JK Rowling: I don't own Harry 3rd, 2000<p>

Dear diary,

I'm so close to snap at Ron for his fear to even touch me. As if I were breakable! I'm just pregnant, for good's sake, neither me nor the baby are going to suffer for a tighter hug or a shag!

I admit it, I'm quite horny.

I think my belly is slightly rounder.

~157 days – baby

-89 days – wedding

H.

February 6th, 2000

Arthur's birthday :)

~154 days – baby

-89 days – wedding

H.

February 14th, 2000

Dear diary,

Ron redeemed himself with a romantic walk along the shore of Hogwarts' loch, hand in hand.

When we arrived in Hogsmeade, he took me to a nice bar where we drank one of the best hot chocolates – maybe it felt good because it was charmed with a romantic spell for Valentine's Day, but I still liked it.

I wonder who do I have to thank for giving Ron the idea to take me out ;)

~146 days – baby

-78 days – wedding

H.

February 17th, 2000

RON BIRTHDAY PRESENTS?

clothes

Quidditch goggles

food?

~143 days – baby

-75 days – wedding

H.

February 25th, 2000

Helena / Rose / Katherine / Viola

Harrison / Jonathan / Hugo / Nathaniel

~135 days – baby

-67 days – wedding

H.


	4. March 2000

**Because the previous chapter was short and crappy, I post the fourth part already :L**

**I also changed the rating for future chapters, to play safe (I think…I hope).**

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><p>March 1st, 2000<p>

Dear diary,

I can't believe Ron and I almost had a fight this morning!

It's his birthday and as a present I suggested some quality time only the two of us. My femininity was hurt when he turned me down, all red in the face and not looking at me in the eye, claiming to have to go to work. I was so pissed, I shouted at him to just leave and closed myself in the room we are sharing in his parents' house.

He looked so shocked but pleased to become a father, and it's already been more than two months since I made my announcement, I really can't accept nor stand his behaviour anymore. He needs to man up and get used to me being pregnant, for Gods' sake. He looks as if he's ashamed of me and it's really not helping, neither is his awkwardness around me!

I hate being so emotive, not being in control of my emotions.

I hate Ron's immaturity and his habit to avoid telling me his feelings, preferring to run away. I hope he won't leave me like it happened a couple of years ago…sure, he was under the influence of the Horcrux, but it magnified his repressed feelings and I don't really know what I'd do if a similar situation ever occurred.

~130 days – baby

-62 days – wedding

H.

March 2nd, 2000

Dear diary,

finally Ron explained himself (for both our sakes I'm not thinking about who may have forced prompted him to do so).

He apologized for his fears and for looking so distant, swearing up and down that he loves me; he affirmed he's happy to have a kid with me, but this pregnancy was totally unexpected and at 20 years old it felt a bit too soon for him.

Thinking back at it, I have to agree with him, but my stubbornness and these crazy hormones didn't make me think straight, I simply felt betrayed by him.

I'm so used to get mad at him that I'd have never imagined his words would calm me. When he sat next to me and took my left hand in his, toying with the ring, I was close to tears. He told me how ecstatic he was to marry me after spending our school years in obliviousness to our feelings towards each other.

I really didn't know how to reply but agreed with every word he was saying.

Just a couple of months…

~129 days – baby

-61 days – wedding

H.

March 5th, 2000

Dear diary,

we had a brunch in the Weasleys' backyard, my parents were invited as well. Between Molly and my mother, who admittedly isn't that great of a cook but her pasta salad and blackberries cake are heavenly, we ate to the point of exploding.

I haven't been feeling too well the whole day, though, I woke up with a bit of a fever and nausea – nothing to worry about, the fever was roughly 37,7°C

My mother, Molly and Fleur gushed all over me, while Harry, Ron, Ginny, George and Bill played Quidditch, taking turns at arbitrating. Arthur showed my father the car that he's been modifying for the past years and that Molly shouldn't know about, but I wonder if she's just pretending not to know ;)

It's in moments like this that the well hidden 'housewife' that's in me craves to come out, making me daydream about my future house and the host I will be (thanks to Molly I'm getting better at cooking, she's also teaching me some useful spells to take care of the house).

~126 days – baby

-58 days – wedding

H.

March 10th, 2000

Dear diary,

the baby is due in four months, day given day taken. Pregnancy is going fairly well, just the inevitable backache and the urgency to go to the loo every five minutes, but I can deal with it…anything for the baby.

I casually mentioned this to Ron and we discussed about names, nursery, colours…I suggested my main name choices, Helena and Harrison, while Ron was more for Emily and Julian, but I'm confident we'll sort something out. We have time!

~121 days – baby

-53 days – wedding

H.

March 11th, 2000

Dear diary,

as a follow up of yesterday's conversation, Ron and I started sketching the nursery. We agreed on using "neutral colours" such as orange and green since we don't know the sex of the baby; now we only have to wait to have our house/apartment, hopefully soon after the wedding, so the works can start and we'll be able to arrange the many presents our friends brought for the baby shower.

Good to know we agree on something, because the name-lottery is still going on and our friends and families' suggestions don't exactly help us, they're confusing us more…

~120 days – baby

-52 days – wedding

H.

March 21st, 2000

Dear diary,

I don't know what to think of the pretty painful pangs in my low abdomen. The good thing is that they're sporadic, but they still make me double up with pain.

~110 days – baby

-42 days – wedding

H.

March 28th, 2000

I found some pink-ish streaks on my panties…

~103 days – baby

-35 days – wedding

H.


	5. April 2000 pt 1

**Herpderp, I forgot to update this fic the past month. Btw no, this time there aren't problems with the html, I ****deliberately**** left the last entry incomplete ;)**

**Sorry this chapter is so short, but it's all in the plan! I'm going to upload the next chapter right now to sort of make up for the shortness of this one.**

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><p>April 1st, 2000<p>

Fred and George's birthday…

After two years, it's still hard not to miss Fred.

H.

April 3rd, 2000

They're darker now.

H.

April 3rd, 2000

Dear diary,

dinner with Harry and Ginny has been very relaxing and distracting. We went to a cute restaurant in the nearest Muggle city, chatted about Harry and Ron's Auror tasks, Ginny's auditions for the Harpies, remembered the good old times, discussed some particulars of the wedding (I do NOT want the gnomes to be mistreated just to have the garden clean and free from them for the day).

The moment we saw a ginger guy serving a table nearby, we had a hard time not laughing in his face, because he was the same boy that Harry impersonated at Bill and Fleur's wedding thanks to Polyjuice.

It was a really fun and pleasant night and that roast was delicious!

~97 days – baby

-29 days – wedding

H.

Dear dia


	6. April 2000 pt 2

**To put a warning or not to put a warning, that is the question…I'm usually reluctant to put warnings because I feel they're kind of spoilerish, but at the same time it's better to pinpoint eventual triggery contents… Ah, decisions! Well,let me just say everything got a turn for the worse! D:  
>By the way,I changed the ratings,it's now T.<strong>

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><p>April 29th, 2000<p>

Dear diary,

remembering the past twenty days is going to be painful, but I have to get it off my chest or I'm going to explode.

23 days ago I lost my baby. Harrison or Julian isn't here anymore.

It was April 6th and the bleeding got worse the previous week, until they were a deep red-brown colour, more frequent and abundant. I screamed and Ron and Ginny run to see what was wrong: they found me on the bathroom's floor clutching my protruding belly, sitting in a puddle of my own blood and waters with unbearable cramps and a feeling that I can only compare to being eaten alive from the insides. Ginny fled to prepare the Floo while Ron helped me up and carried me bridal style in the kitchen downstairs, where Ginny was waiting for us anxiously.

I had the dreadful feeling the baby's life was ending before he or she could see this world finally freed from Voldemort's menace.

Our trip via Floo made me puke on the St Mungo's immaculately white tiles, but at least we made it to the hospital. I was bleeding more and more, I could almost feel the little body trying to get out just to make my sufferance end, but I didn't want to lose the baby. I kept blabbering it while I was ushered on a stretcher to surgery.

The Healers acted quickly, though it was pretty evident there wasn't much else to do except trying to save me.

I woke up a few hours later with Ron on my left and my parents on the right, all the Weasleys plus Harry opposite my bed. No one of them could look at me in the eyes for more than a couple of seconds, clearly uneasy and unable to find the nerve to give me the bad news.

But I already knew. The Healer didn't even need to stop by my room to tell me how they did their best to save both me and the _foetus_, but when it was clear that the _foetus_ was already dead I became their priority. The Healer said that the _foetus_ stopped growing around the 22nd week because of a malfunction of the umbilical cord, that hence didn't give the nutriments to the _foetus_. I hate the word _foetus_.

They were able to determine the sex, though, and it was a baby boy.

I was lying on the hospital bed looking at a spot on the ceiling above the Healer, unable to react to anything he was saying, but I heard the others sobbing, my mother fully crying on my father's shoulder and Ron crying silently while squeezing my hand comfortingly.

A heavy silence fell in the room when the Healer excused himself, bidding his condolences for our loss.

I just wanted to sleep.

I remained at St Mungo's for two weeks. Ron, my parents and the others kept me company every day, but I barely acknowledged them, preferring to look out of the window. I know I made everybody worry when I started disappearing from my room to go look at the babies in the nursery, ignoring the visitors who asked me which baby was mine.

I noticed the whispers, the sideways looks, the conversations interrupted every time I entered a room. What hurt me the most was that my own friends and parents acted like that, confabulating with the Healers behind my back.

I'm pretty sure they wanted to put me in the psychiatric ward, that's why I signed every paper and Floo'd as soon as possible, ignoring the Healers' advices. I returned to the Burrow just the time to take my wand, this diary and fill a bag with a few things, mentally thanking the Weasleys' for deciding to pay me a visit at the hospital around that time, then Disapparated.

I'm in the Muggle world now, in a B&B run by a sweet granny who warmed up to me quickly and I'm now gladly helping her with the chores. It's sweetly distracting.

I'm really sorry for leaving Ron and everyone else behind, but I need the time to recover from this loss, both physically and mentally, and having all of them around (especially a sorrowful Ron) would've been painful.

My sweet baby…I haven't been able to keep him in my arms, feed him, see him grow, read him stories…

What I can't forgive myself for is that I didn't go to a Healer sooner, when I saw the first bleedings.

H.


End file.
